Living words of a dead poet

By V.H.


The leaves have been blowing in the wind And i have missed much of natures beauty Contemplating my life and where it should be going Catch your breath and do
But i didn’t listen
I was caught up in the future as well as the past
Just not in the present where i should have been living
Treat each day like its your last
Make the most of it
Do everything you want to do and you’ll never be unhappy
Well, i was so busy planning or dwelling that i forgot how to live
I forgot how to experience
That was my demise


I’m covered in marks from head to toe
Don’t know what went wrong But it’s caused me to grow Maybe not for the best
But i’ve passed each test When will somebody say, “It’s ok to rest”
Cause i’ve struggled in ways that many more have
But i can’t seem to get passed
That wave that is forever approaching
But never hits land
I feel invisible to the unfamiliar eye And i’m quietly burning from the inside Whilst drowning without a reason why
But is it still possible for me to get up and fly
Will i ever want to and just leave this life behind


I look into your eyes and i can see that you’re tired
And that’s fine, i don’t mind
But i no longer see the love or pride that once reflected into my own eyes
And i wonder where it’s gone
And i wonder if i’m the only one who doesn’t see it
Have i caused it to flee
Are my actions the ones responsible for your unhappiness
Either answer would send me spiraling
But not knowing has been such torture
And i know this brings you even more pain
To see me suffer
But staying in this world has chiseled away at my soul
And i have nearly nothing left to keep me grounded


I’m already so broken
Every ounce of life has spilled through the cracks
And when there is even one ray of hope, that too leaks out
Almost immediately
And i wonder why i even bother
No amount of glue could ever make me whole again
You see, i used up every drop i had
Repairing the ones i loved
But pretty soon
Even that wasn’t enough to hold us together
And all the while
i was chipping away at myself, perfect pieces of ‘soul’ to give to others
So you see
My kindness truly is my weakness
Because no matter how little of me is left
I will continue to give till i am scattered so far from myself
That i meet me as a stranger

MONDAY MAY 15, 2017

Everything i say is regarded as truth
That’s not to say it isn’t
And that’s not to say it is
Truth is subjective to one’s own experiences
With that in mind, one’s truth can be another’s lie

TUESDAY MAY 23, 2017

Today i tried
And for some reason, i’m beating myself up for it
I don’t know what it is about darkness that continues to allure me
But seeing it always smiling gives me a sense of peace
Like i belong in the arms of misfortune
Its terribly sincere with its eyes understanding, Voice reassuring, presence like air
I want to escape from it
Be free and explore all that can be But ‘all that can be’ can be scary And new, and in all honesty,
I’m fucking terrified of ‘new’ and how it could leave me
Darkness will always be there
I want to peel the skin off my body
Or to be more accurate
I want to be slowly scratching it off
Watch my skin come undone
Layer by layer
Slowly turning from bubble gum pink to a dripping red
The thought of seeing my own blood after so long, gives me chills
Its hard to determine what emotions these chills come with


When you look at me
What is it you see
Who is it you’re looking for
I’m not sure they exist
Or how to become who you want me to be
I haven’t been myself lately
If ever and thats troubling to think
But when i look into your eyes I know exactly who resides Theres no question
Not a doubt in my mind
So why is it that when i look into my own eyes
Its empty to the core


The mountains on my skin could render you lost
But i maneuvered along the plains
Its no picnic walk
You tip-toe in hopes of avoiding land mines
Oddly setting them off and leaving me in the ruble
Setting dozens off while the first dust dances in the wind
You have no idea how to survive the war that is me
And to be dangerously honest
Neither do i


Erase my scars
Let me begin anew
Will i ever gget the chance
To come through, content with who i am
Is that even real
Cause i never knew a soul so pure
Everyone is broken in their own traumatic way
Some are scratched on the surface Others have craters that run deep and some are rotting from within


Fly away with me
To a land far from make believe
Cause this one is bullshit
And i can’t breathe
Clear your mind
And soon you’ll see
This isnt where we’re ment to be
My mind is swimming with opportunities and doom alike I’ve sheltered myself to the point of isolation Surrounded by hope that and fear about the same things I don’t know how to deal with the suffocation of life


I feel unbalanced- i am
Like the ground beneath me is moving- it is
The ground feels uncertain
Weary of human touch
And i cnat blame it
Constantly trampled on in more ways than one Exploited for the treasures that lie inside Only to kill its equally beautiful exterior Taken for granted without a second thought Everyone acting none the wiser
I myself am guilty of all of this
Capturing the soon forgotten wit pixels and natures ink
Not taking into account that these memories
Are not possible without its origins


I long for the day when i give in to the harshness of the cold, unforgiving steel
Held against my skin
Till the anticipation makes it sear
Taunting me into releasing the pressure within
‘This will be the last time’
The only bold faced lie i choose to to fall in love with
The only lie i will take as truth
No matter how many times i hear it
You are the drug that expels what is in me
Only to leave me fuller
I miss you but you’re killing me
But i miss that too
The proof of life
As it drips down my skin


Slice me open with the softest touch
I will not unravel
Dive into my deepest thoughts
I’ll kiss the water with my lungs
Sink to a deeper surface
I’ll be reached by none
You may think i’ve come undone
But honey, you’ve no clue what i’ve become
Peel away the flesh and i’ll tell you i’m refreshed
Chip away at my stone heart
I rarely feel the pain
I am my worst nemesis
I am the darkness in which she hides
I am the key that opens her cage
And welcomes her to reek havoc inside of me I too am the warden that keeps her in check I too am the light that pushes her back
I am all of these things and so much more
But if you ask who i am
I will always draw a blank


I am a soul
Desperate to escape my vessel
Only to trap myself further in it Reinforcing the locks that keep me bound Everything i want, i must deny myself
To satisfy the organic matter around me
Which only pushes me further into misery
I tell myself, ‘no’ everyday
On a minute to minute basis
I deny myself the pleasure of life and death
The naive or ignorant ones (the blessed ones really) Will ask me why i’m obsessed with inanimate objects They will question how i made it this far
And when they finally see my arms
Scarred by a loveless affair They still won’t understand And i am elated for them
But i no longer confide in them, my dark desires
Why introduce them to world they have had the privalage of not finding on their own?

FRIDAY JUNE 16, 2017

Let me go
My life is far too expensive
And i can assure you that it has not been worth while
You are too far in debt for my sake alone And everything else does not want to go I’m not fighting for me
But its hard to let you go
I fear i will always need taking care of
And i know its not fair to you
I could never do this alone
And i know you won’t let me
But its getting to be a bother That i have to keep breathing And not telling you hurts

MONDAY JUNE 19, 2017

I love you all so much
Theres no doubt
But i can’t stand to always be around you
Something about our family dynamic
Always makes me the odd one out
And its killing me to think this way
Its killing me that you live in my brain
And i don’t feel i have the right to evict youu
And thats a fuckingg shame
I wish i could tell you how your presence affects me
Buut i fear my words will break yo more than they have before
I guess thats the problem
You’re trying to sve me while i drown, and i’m pushing you away instead of pulling you down with me
Knowing very well that i will only drown faster


When i was little
I wanted to know everything
I urged to experience every new thing at once
As i did this
I realized that there were less and less wonderful things to discover
So i reached out into darkness
And held little fistfuls close
No i’m older and a personless shadow
Not aware of the light trying to shine through
I hide in the corners
Too afraid of the unknown
To venture even to places i used to know


The way you hand someone a knife is very important
Literally and metaphorically
Handel out, and you give them the power That night my father offered her the blade And i was shocked
In just five words
My mother defended his anger
And my world crumbled yet again
Loud as settling dust
It coated my lungs and cut my eyes
I tried to not to be fazed as i ran to escape the brutal sight
Tears scalding my cheeks
And legs strong enough only to escape
The banging still ringing in my head
And when i finally got the courage to come back
The half eaten cake and warm milk were the only aftermath
I wished that these two things hadnt remained
So that i could say it didn’t happen
So that i could erase the emotions turned fact from my brain
But agian, as so often is the case, i am the only left scaved
FRIDAY JUNE 23, 2017
I don’t want to become the person they think i am
Twisted in a false sense of happiness
Evaporating into a smaller vessel
Wondering if all of me wasn’t meant to fit
And if i wasn’t
Then why do these parts exist
And if the didn’t
Would i still come back to this Where others try to make me smaller Into what they wish they had become

MONDAY JUNE 26, 2017

I’ve been thinking
And that’s a dangerous game I’ve chosen to come back to In this game
I’ve discovered that i am just as broken as i’ve ever been
Maybe more so
Only i’m far from being a beginner
I can wield distress like a flaming sword
And claim it to be a part of my armor
And no one would think twice about the fire thats been slowly. Consuming me
They will see me
Dressed head to toe in blue flames
Skin embering off my face
And assume that i have grown stronger
And i will endorse this lie
Too scared to allow anyone to douse my flames
In fear of washing away completely
I wish i could leave you with words that would make everything ok
Bt the words to make that possible do not yet exist
And that has caused me to endure more that i ever thought possible
I wish i could leavve now
Without the slightest ripple of a consequence
I wish i could leave by my own choice
And have everyone be at peace with it
I wish that i could leave before having ever arrivied
I wish leaving was still an option i considered possible


I thought i was done when you started haunting my dreams
The war is not won
And my brain still screams
I’ve come to your gate once again
And the question still remains of whether its. Worth it
To drown my soul out and let my brain resurface
But my heart wants to keep wandering
Even if i collapse on the way
I can see where each path leads and if i may say
I’d rather keep fighting
Than take my chances with the possibility of a sudden break


Tucked into a corner
Surrounded by green
This is where i feel most serene
But i find myself always stuck in concrete
Waiting for the scent of jasmine to envelope my dreams Wanting to be drowned by the smell of first rain Looking up at stars that shine so far away
The smell of dirt awakens something in me
As my ears hold strong to the unwanted noise that creeps out of profit
I was meant for a simpler time that there is no going back to


Sadness made me hateful in a way i thought could never exist
It tore off my face and painted it with fake colors
I still look for the rotten flesh
Never able to wash away the mess
But maybe i’ve learned to ignore it Maybe i can use it to weed things out Because that which is important
Will always bother to search
For what’s underneath


I don’t trust myself enough to say what i think i should when it pops into my head
I know i’ve been reckless
And i tend to walk away
But theres that voice i keep hearing
Telling me to stay
Telling me to fight myself
And make sure i win
But how do i do that without losing myself
I don’t trust myself around others
And i don’t trust being alone
Its hard to know which part of me is real
When every part of me is fighting with itself
I don’t remembe who i was
And i don’t know i am


You don’t see how you break me down
And i won’t let you
Becuse i know how it feels to be the cause of someones pain
And as much as i’m angry with you
I can’t help but love you
And this mix of emotions makes it harder to ust look at you
I hate that i can’t tell you to go fuck yourself
I hate that i want to cause you the same pain you cause me
And i hate that i can’t fucking die right now
I hate they you have power to do this to me every single day
And i hate that you don’t fucking know me

FRIDAY JULY 14, 2017

I’d like to say i’ve grown stronger
But thats not my reality
My reality is one huge mess woven into itself and icant untangle it
So when i say i’m fine
Picture the finite spaces between the fragile wood that makes up who i am
When i say i’m fine
I mean i’m in a state of mind
I find few and far between the things i really feel
I’d like to say i’ve grown sstronger but i feel weaker than i ever have before
So weak in fact
That a single breath could knock me over and send me flailing in the wind
And it has
But once i get back up
Bullets will only make dents
And you will think me cold and lifeless
I’d like to. Say i’ve grown stronger bt i’m still picking up the pieces of me you tore down 5 years ago
I’d like to say i’ve grown stronger
I’ve only pulled myself tighter together
So it takes seconds longer to break through my so called armor
I always come back to you
No matter how far away i run
I continue to seek you out
And you welcome me with open arms
I want to condemn you
But i also want to keep you dangerously close
And you always are Hidden in my closet Under the sink
Or hanging off my shirt and wrist
I always know where to find you
And you’re always screaming my name
I’ve become accustomed to the way you seduce me
And it’s heartbreaking that i want to reach out to you

FRIDAY JULY 21, 2017

Everyone’s running around blind
Thinking about one thing
The same thing
Waiting only for their turn in the spotlight
For their green light
That takes too long to emerge
We, as a whole can’t even enjoy a meal without indulging in something else
Even as i sit here, writing
All my other senses are occupied
And i find i am no better
No different than the person sitting next to me
And i find it tragic that in a world full of despair
We choose to sit alone
In a false sense of community
Not willing to even make eye contact in fear of being rejected, judged or ust seen
We talk about others as if they were characters in a movie
Not real enough to know
Just human enough to relate
Like an unopened pack of batteries forgotten in the sun and left to fester
I hope no one is around when i explode
I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone as a result of being being hurt
Although it can almost never be helped
I am terrified
Sitting here on my own
Surrounded by people in their own worlds
But i could never be completely open to a stranger sitting with me and inviting me into ttheirs
And although the world can be beautiful
Thare are too many possibilities
They grip me tight, pull me under and force me to develop gills
Choking is not an option
The last time i went to a library
It wasn’t quiet enough
Sure, you could hear the pages turn as their knowledge continued
But as i walked past the caverns inhabitants
Noise gushed from their ears
Stating that the world around them was too quiet
That they couldn’t be alone with their natural thoughts
And that makes me wonder if those thoughts are too real for them to acknowledge


In many ways, you call this place my home But its really just the place i get by in I would never tell you this
Because i don’t want you to feel like you’ve failed at being a family
Its not a home
When you’re the only one there at 11 at night
Trying not to go crazy
Its not a home
When everything someone does pushes you closer to a ledge
And they just want to see how close you can get
Never thinking that you won’t sprout wings
And then see how high you can fly
Home is sitting with everyone
Laughing, not thinking of how you can get ten minutes alone
Because you know you’ll have to

MONDAY JULY 24, 2017

Time flows almost seamlessly like an ocean
Made of infinite drops
Moments that make up a lifetime
The perfect balance is almost impossible to obtain
If you life moment by moment
You don’t really achieve anything But if you live for the big picture You don’t get to enjoy the moments
Like everyone
Live in this paradox
Forever searching for the balance
Coming so close but feeling so far
It only takes one drop to overflow a full cup


I am a mental wasteland
Every thought has surfaced through rubble
Half broken, stained in blood and coated in dust But some part of me sends signals to this waste And, like morse code, i have to decipher them
Forming words to make sentences that never quite flow
But, hey
I can get pretty damn close
And in this wasteland full of context
It makes perfect sense
Only when i relay a message does it come out wrong
Misspoken or misinterpreted
I believe it to be the former
Interpretation comes from experience
And who am i to tell you what simple words mean to you
She used to say, ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’
And when she described her demons as somewhat ordinary
I couldn’t help but smile
Watching her collapse was devastating
But seeing her atop a massive rock
In a power stance
With her head held high
Not forcing happiness onto her face
Was magical
We’d stand on opposite sides of a wall Sharing a cigarette and watching a storm And when she spoke
Emotions lept out of her heart and adorned the walls
You could feel the heat in her tears as she described her ‘good for nothing husband’
She was young in spirit and an old soul with a mothers touch
I should tell her how much i miss her


Art is a language that doesn’t translate well
But never fails to communicate
I will admit
Sometimes we don’t speak
But when we do
Every sentence consists of a palette so vast
That it takes everything in me to not look away


I am not in control
You may think me the boss of my life
But this is untrue
I take my orders from a faceless force
Feeding off of everything i could be
Turning me into everything i never wanted to be Thinking of escape must be riddled with secrecy And is almost forbidden
I have enough sense of choice to convince myself that i have power
And that is satisfactory for the time being
But what about when its not
How will i learn to be happy encased in a prison of habit
After knowing that i could break free


I don’t understand my mind
Its like trying to fix a set of broken tools
With said broken tools
And that only breaks them further
I fear i will shatter
And my fragility becomes imminently clear
Setting them aside won’t help
I will collect dust and no healing will occur
But i can’t simply replace my tools
They have to be mended
They have to be melted down and remade
And i don’t know if thats possible
I don’t know if i’m willing to go down that road


My voice is not a loud one
It never has been
I guess thats why i’m only taken seriously when i’m crying or dead silent
Which is a real shame
Because once i reach that point
You’ve lost all hope with me
You see
When i’m trying to be serious
My voice will grown softer and even shake
It does this because every part of me is uncertain and afraid


I used to just let myself walk right off the edge
And plunge into an illuminated darkness
I’d do this over and over again
Forcing myself to stay under till my lungs felt they might collapse
I did it because down there
I didn’t have to worry about anything
Because down there
I didn’t have to breathe to remind myself i was alive
Every breath is agony
And i wish i was brave enough to hold myself down
To remind myself thatt breathing was a gift
Even when it feltt like torture
Somedays it feels like the world is my swimming pool
Only i can still breathe Taking in water like air Not Feeling myself drown
My illuminated darkness is still there
It calls me
Wanting to remind me that i can still breathe
I know i should go to it
I know i shouldn’t let myself drown
But its been years since i let myself sink into my salvation
I’m afraid it won’t be the same


When all is said and done
Life really isn’t that bad
There have been times where i have laughed
And enjoy myself
And even the company of others But mostly life has been shit Battling the standard demons
That have been carefully tailored to break me down
Well, they’re winning
I hate to admit it but i’m all but hollow
The ruins thought i left behind are dragging me down
And rebuilding around me
It’s comforting to be cradled so tightly
But it always turns into suffocation
I can see a few beams of light through the almost non-existent cracks
And the warmth lingers just long enough to give me goosebumps


Hiding from myself has become a daily ritual
I feel the need to avoid eveyone and everything
I’ve always been been a loner
Unable to connect to what’s around me
Unable to give any piece of myself to another living being
I hide from myself because i don’t want to acknowledge how hurt i am
Or how close i am to being broken
I fear everything from the most mundane interactions to the most complex experience
I fear what i’m capable of and what i am not
When i think of what fear looks like
I picture my colorless reflection with the words ‘can’ and
‘can’t’ in each in each of my lifeless eyes


I feel i’m suspended underwater
I don’t know which way the surface is
And i seem to have an infinite supply of oxygen
Every Time i kick to move
The pressure increases and tells me i’m better off being immobile
I don’t want to stay down here forever
But the pressure will kill me
I’ve never been worried about drowning
Its always been the surface that scares me
The fight has always driven me away


I feel i’ve been hallow all my life Reaching for anything that might fill me The thing i crave most is intangible
I often think i’ve found it but it never seems to stick
‘Friends and lovers’ have come and gone
And i always let it consume me
Even when i think i’m being cautious
This thing always seems to sneak up and kidnap me


if there is no god
who does the wind carry your secrets to if there is no god
how do your words, your thoughts
make their way to where you know they need to be
i do not have a god, higher being, or truer self to spill my guts to
my thoughts will float around my head like a bad lyrics video on repeat
a bad lyrics video where the wrong words appear in menacing bold letters
and the only accompanying sounds are my silent tears when i do speak
it isn’t to get my voice or my words “out there”
when i speak
it is for the sake of getting my voice, my words OUT OF ME
i toss these things willingly into the violent air hoping they never make their way back to me
for the sake of freeing up some space inside me that is immediately filled with everything that did not fit before but was still there
following me around
waiting to be taken in like the senior dog with oh so many problems
but so much more love to give the only difference is
the things that fill me have no love to give sure they have lessons
but not the kind that your mother air kisses and seems to magically heal
the things that fill me are made of rotting fruit filled with maggots and drenched with liter fluid
and i just can’t seem to stay away from fire


i smoke in secret
by that i mean my parents go out and buy me cigarettes because it’s illegal for me to do it
i smoke in secret but the only one who doesn’t know is my police explorer of a little brother
i smoke in secret because even though it is perfectly legal for me to get high off a plant and find some still and quiet
my mom refuses to let any of her children be a screw up addict
i hate myself in secret
much like the way i smoke but somehow worse
worse in the sense that i am the only one who truly knows how often i go to collect myself from the darkness i buried myself in
i hate myself in secret because whenever i do it openly a chorus of voices tells me i’ll be ok
that’s not to say i won’t be
but i hate myself in secret so that those around me don’t feel obligated to counter my feelings
i hate myself in secret because nobody knows what my remembers, what my mind will not forget
i smoke in secret because cigarettes don’t ask me questions because they don’t really care if i use them or not
because i need some sort of vice to make being me a little easier

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